UnMatched – One Woman’s Struggle to Find a Kosher Mate

Apr 16, 2023 by Two Sues On the Aisle

By Sue Weston and Susan Rosenbluth –  Two Sues On The Aisle

The Orthodox Jewish dating scene presents a unique set of challenges, particularly for women whose lives extend beyond traditional roles. Unmatched explores Sarah Lavane’s (a pseudonym) journey as a modern shomer negiah woman living in New York, working in IT, searching for her bashert.

Lavane chronicles her dates, in a journal style, sometimes poignant yet always funny. Carefully selecting descriptive names for each of her acquaintances she adds a subtle twist masking their identities, and making them memorable. There is Almond-Eyes, Singular, Nice, Smitten & Swell (who get engaged), and a cast of characters who cross Lavane’s path, friends, colleagues, and countless blind dates.

Conflicting Expectations

Unmatched gives a voice to the conflicting priorities faced by Bais Yaakov graduates who choose a college education and a career. Lavane watches her classmates marry after high school, commenting “I wouldn’t marry at nineteen, but I won’t run off like Chava in ‘Fiddler on the Roof” as she applies to an affordable public college.

She was ‘mystified’ by the rush to get married, sometimes fantasizing about her dream wedding and finding the perfect husband. She wants a mate who, like her, can straddle the Jewish world and the modern world. As a smart, attractive, woman Lavane should be able to find a suitable religious man to marry. Is she being overly picky to want someone with a good personality, a job, and a similar level of observance?  It is like finding a needle in a haystack, and it gets harder with each passing year. Lavane catches herself judging prospective suitors by “the one thing they lacked instead of everything they offered.”

Why is it so Difficult?

Throughout the book, Lavane has a running dialogue with God, asking “What do I do? Please help me do Your Will. To marry someone Jewish. To build a Jewish home.” She tries everything to find her perfect match, Shabbatonim, shadchanim, segulah, parties, lectures, saying Tehillim, giving tzedakah to poor brides, and even internet dating. [The book includes an appendix of Hebrew and Yiddish words]

She expresses frustration from the recurring question asked by matchmakers, friends, and even blind dates ‘How old are you exactly?’ She was infuriated that older men want (and can get) younger attractive women.

The Gender Difference

The path to marriage is different for women and men. While both hope to start a family and have children, women are bound by a biological clock, while men can father children at any age. As a result, women are encouraged to compromise, forsaking compatibility to become wives and mothers.

Being shomer negiah Laverne refrains from physical contact until after marriage, which means there is no handholding and dates need to be in public places. Although it applies equally to men and women, she notes that men are allowed youthful digressions while women are not.

Repeatedly Lavane questions what God wants from her. “Was the ultimate mission to be a Jewish wife and mother?” Maybe not. Lavane’s experiences enabled her to write this book, an exposé of the hidden world of Orthodox Jewish dating from the perspective of a single woman. That might be her mission.

Telling It Like It Is

Lavane is justified in concluding that few people understand single Orthodox Jewish women’s struggle. Some innocently make insensitive comments suggesting that an unmarried woman is not trying hard enough or is too picky. She recounts a conversation with a rabbi who made similar accusations, and counters that he could not understand as he had never experienced being ‘unmatched’. He replied that he was sorry.

Unmatched is a memoir bringing awareness, compassion, and understanding to the complexities of dating for Orthodox-Jewish women. Lavane provides readers with a brief glimpse into the ‘unmatched’ world. Her stories are relatable and amusing,

Can an Orthodox woman succeed in the secular world while building a traditional home? I’d like to think the answer is yes. Women are strong and equipped to face any challenge, including dating, an experience that could be so much easier with support and understanding. Dating should be fun, but the pressure makes it extremely taxing, especially for women.

*****

Two Sues on the Aisle bases its ratings on how many challahs (1-5) it pays to buy (rather than make) in order to see the play, show, film, or exhibit being reviewed. 

‘Unmatched‘ Received a 3 Challah rating